How to meet people when you don't fit the ideals of the gay scene?

"I'm fat, gay, trans, and possibly autistic. How do I even meet someone?" This is how a column on Scarleteen begins. Its author is 21, in college, and honestly admits: approaching someone first is almost impossible for him. It seems that the gay community divides everyone into categories: some like slim guys, others only cisgender, and still others only a certain type. And in this grid, there seems to be no place for him. Sound familiar? Even if you're not fat, not trans, and not gay, you've probably felt like you don't fit in at a party or on a dating app at least once. The letter writer asks: how to start communicating and maybe date again? And he gets an answer from someone with similar experience.

"You're not imagining it — the LGBTQ community also has rigid standards"

The responder starts with something important: you're not alone. In queer spaces, narrow ideas about how a person of a certain orientation or identity "should" look are indeed often imposed. This is not a figment of imagination or paranoia — it's a real problem that many face. The letter writer is not alone in his struggle, even if it seems like everyone around has already found their place. The responder emphasizes: the feeling that kindness toward you is just pity is also familiar to many. But in reality, people much less often plan something bad than we think when fantasizing in our heads. Most often, they are simply happy to spend time with you.

"He just came up to me after class — and I'm scared"

The letter specifically mentions a guy who started talking to the author and seems very handsome to him. The author himself is afraid: what if he feels pity or wants something. The responder suggests looking at the situation differently. If a person takes the initiative, keeps showing up — most likely, he is genuinely interested. She advises taking the risk and asking him out somewhere. Yes, it's scary. Yes, you can get hurt. But from her experience, regretting not trying is much more painful than enduring awkwardness or rejection. Shyness and caution are normal, but sometimes it's worth taking a bold step toward something that could be great.

"Where to go if regular parties aren't for you?"

The letter writer himself suggests an option — events dedicated to body acceptance. The responder warmly supports this: such spaces are great for seeing that the world is full of different bodies. Yes, it might be anxiety-provoking because of your trans identity. But she advises: go and don't worry. If it's a place where you won't be accepted, then you don't need to be there. And if you are accepted, you'll find people who have been through similar experiences. Moreover, if you feel awkward and stand in a corner, you're almost certainly not the only one there. You can meet other shy people — it's a great way to start a conversation and make friends.

"Friendship is also a relationship"

The letter writer dreams of at least having friends. The responder is sure: going to such events is a recipe for building connections. There's a chance you're not the only one facing loneliness and stigma within the queer community. At events where different people gather, you can meet those with similar experiences. Common traits are the basis for friendship that can last beyond the event. And even awkwardness can be a point of connection: approach another shy person — and you already have a topic for conversation.

"The most important thing is not to stop hoping"

The responder concludes with a thought worth remembering: in the LGBTQ community, there is a place for everyone, including people with any body. Yes, sometimes it seems like you're being written off, but that's not true. We all deserve love and connections we dream of. Even if right now you're lonely and scared, the truth is there are places where you will be loved and accepted. And maybe that cute guy who keeps coming up is a chance worth taking.