Why Caring for Others Shouldn't Crush You

Have you ever caught yourself doing much more for friends than they do for you? And then getting angry — at them or at yourself? If so, you're not alone. Many of us learned from childhood: being good means sacrificing yourself. But what if that's not true?

Why self-care is not selfishness

The author of the column we're referring to today writes: "This is a tough position for caring and empathetic people. It may seem that setting boundaries is selfish and rude, but it's not. You deserve respect and care in friendship, and it's important to clearly communicate what matters to you." Indeed: self-care is not a betrayal of others, but a condition for healthy relationships.

Boundaries: a user's guide

Where to start? Sit down and think about what is unacceptable to you. Make a list — it could be anything from "I don't want to be a mediator in others' conflicts" to "I can't endlessly discuss whether Asya's boyfriend is cheating on her." Psychologists (and the author) advise: if you feel something is wrong but don't understand why, try to figure it out, possibly with a therapist.

How to say 'no' without ruining a friendship

The main tool is 'I-statements.' Instead of 'You're ignoring me,' say: 'When you didn't invite me to the movies, I felt hurt.' This is not an accusation but information about your feelings. And there's no need to soften it: 'I'm sorry, but I'm tired and can't listen to you right now' — that's okay. If a friend gets offended by your boundaries, that's a reason to think about whether you need such a friend.

What to do if you're tired of being a shoulder to cry on

Support is a two-way street. If you constantly listen to others' problems but don't receive support yourself, say so. For example: 'I appreciate your trust, but I think you should talk to someone else too — I can't be your only support.' Or: 'We've discussed this for the tenth time, but you're not listening to my advice. I don't know how else to help.' This is honest and adult-like.

What if a friend doesn't understand?

True friends want you to be well. If someone gets angry at your boundaries, maybe they're not such a friend after all. As the author writes: 'If people are unkind to you when you stand up for yourself, they are not the ones to be around.' Yes, it's scary to lose a social circle, but it's better to be alone than among those who don't respect your feelings. And know this: the ability to say 'no' makes you not callous, but honest — with yourself and others.